she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land

capcityy @ 2009-05-23T01:52:00

2009-05-23T05:53:17Z

so she's pregnant. sometimes I feel as if my life is one big fml post.

edit: oh shit I just went back and read the post before this..... how ironic. so very ironic. that both of these times I ran to the same old friend. who made me feel okay and happy again just by a few sentences. that, my friends, is what growing up is all about.

the theory of winners and losers.

2009-03-17T03:14:31Z

talking to him, even if it was just a half hour of texting, has seriously made me happy again. gives me a more realistic grasp on my life. like, coming up for a breath of fresh air. it's amazing how, through so little words, so much can be taken. and take it, I will. for me.

in the movies, I will go down as the woman that everyone likes, except for all of the star actresses. because, you see, they may have won, but I will always be there in the back of their minds.
"why was she so special to you?" "i don't want you talking to her." "i don't even understand why you would want her in your life."

well you see, I'm an elegant, exquisite, delicate, wonderful, unique, sincere, lovely, kindhearted, optimistically, selfless woman when it comes to matters of the heart. the heart is a delicate, but risky matter.. but I still try and do what I can, when I can. I never win, but I never lose either.

so the woman gets the man she wants, and I didn't. but I left an impression. an impression enough to have them fight over it for countless hours, weeks even. who is really winning? sure she got the man, but she also got the memory of what happened with me.
and now, my memory of that night is mine to remember. not hers. I'll never regret that night. it's what needed to happen so that I would move on. and I have. I'm at peace. but do you ever think she will be?

so, in theory there are no losers or winners. only change and understanding.

capcityy @ 2008-10-25T16:05:00

2008-10-25T20:06:14Z

after a year and two months. 10/24/08. it's about goddamn time♥

capcityy @ 2008-10-23T19:57:00

2008-10-23T23:57:22Z

11:11<3 it works.

sigh.

2008-09-02T04:23:24Z

so much has changed. everything has changed so many times in this past month, who even knows what tomorrow will hold. or if I'll even have a tomorrow.

nothing is permanent. nothing is guaranteed. the people who have hurt you, will hurt you again. the people who haven't hurt you, will eventually hurt you. you will hurt almost everyone you know if your lifetime. don't wait to fix it. before you know it, it will be too late. friendships will come and go.. so make the best of what you have now, you may never have that again.

think twice before you start complaining. ask yourself everything you have to lose. I guarantee there's someone out there wishing they had the life you have. we're young, maybe we have a long life ahead of us, maybe we don't.

be nice to everyone, don't waste your precious time on people who treat you wrong. worry about the people who have been there for you unconditionally. you can't save everyone and you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. you can only do so much.

8/29/08 -- RIP Brandon<3

stop giving me butterflies.

2008-05-19T03:11:31Z

"I'm gonna get hell for this, you know that? But I couldn't stop myself, I'm sorry."
"I won't lie, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I'm not going to stop liking you."
"If I could be with any girl from the past three years, it'd be you."

I hate my life. I really do.

we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.

2008-05-18T01:26:53Z

I miss being friends with everyone, and not worrying about not "being allowed" at certain houses.
I miss being worry free about what was going on that night, because we'd all end up hanging out together anyways.
I miss last summer.
I miss sleepovers and cuddling almost every night.
I miss backyards and back porches.
I miss the beginning, innocent, fun stages. not the old friend zone.
I miss being spontaneous.
I miss movie nights, every night. and playing life.
I miss being with everyone in the same room and no one having problems.
I miss being the girl that always had plans, and back up plans.
I miss being intimidating.
I miss not being a fuck up.

I hate that everythings changed. it always changes. when can something ever be constant? seriously.

say.

2008-05-09T03:58:44Z

every little past frustration, take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations.
say what you need to say.
walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head. living out the same old moment, knowing you'd be better off instead. if you could only..
say what you need to say.
you'd better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never say what you need to say. even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken. even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open.
say what you need to say.

capcityy @ 2008-03-23T04:43:00

2008-03-23T08:43:51Z

round four.

you are my sweetest downfall.

2008-03-11T03:17:08Z

I'm probably among one of the most ignorant people you'll come across. not ignorant as in rude, but as in consciously oblivious. I ignore what people try to tell me, argue it to the death, yet I don't even believe it myself. At times I do, but it's hard to try and compare the good against the bad. what outweighs what? do I even care? I let so many things slide, and pretend to hold it against you, but only in my head. I'm battling myself, and for no reason.

It doesn't even make sense. I don't even make sense.

I get dissapointed or let down on a daily basis. and it's like it hardly phases me anymore. I just let everything go because I see what fighting does to people. I hate it. I'm not treated the way I want to be, and I wish I cared. I really don't care about much anymore. I only care about the things & people I shouldn't care about. and I'm the only one to blame. I pick the same situations and same types of people to surround myself with, as if I haven't already learned my lesson. I don't know what the hell my deal is, but it's getting annoying. I just keep getting hurt. it's gotta stop somewhere, but I feel like I don't know how to make it stop. I like lying to myself and getting fake, nonexistent attention. it'saproblem!

I don't care what anyone says, I miss you. you made me feel safe. why do you have to pop in and out? IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW. thanks, jeff dunham<3

I have way too many self image problems, and way too many mirrors. and way too many memories. and way too many reminders. and not enough katiemcl bathroom talks. I fucking hate this. I take everything seriously.

and I seriously know.. that you don't care about me.

capcityy @ 2008-02-25T21:32:00

2008-02-26T02:32:46Z

this is unacceptable. in every which way.

capcityy @ 2008-01-26T02:08:00

2008-01-26T07:08:37Z

a 7 or an 8. I can live with that.

lack of improvement, much?

2008-01-15T10:25:48Z

hooollddddd the phone. can we just take a stroll down memory lane real quick in lj world?

February 28th, 2007:
"what have I even become? making decisions, consciously knowing that Iwill get hurt. decisions that don't even matter right now, and willonly make me feel worthless. I look for things in all the wrong places,and play it off so well. atleast to myself, I do. no one is evercontent. why should I be? I'm not a good friend anymore. Idon't know how to be. somewhere in between the broken and forgottenfriendships, and the failed attempts to repair, restore, or create amutually leveled relationship, I gave up. I've created this clichedassumption about life and the people around me, without any reasonother than myself and the decisions I've made, and am making everyday."

March 7th, 2007:
"oh and I was thinking... I'm not going to stand for being second best.which is what I am, always. most every guy that comes along, hassomeone else who they're really thinking about. or that they want. butI'm just there, since no one else wants me. well I'm not gonna do itanymore. I can't. just ONCE I wanna be first. just once. I don't thinkit's fair for me to put my all into relationships, and get half of itin return. it's not fair for anyone. I don't understand why it alwayshappens to me. maybe you could explain a little?"

March 26th, 2007:
" you know when you've seen a movie ten times, but always naively hope for an alternate ending where everyone lives, and everything works out perfect... but it never happens? those are my mornings and nights."

April 22nd, 2007:
""I just want you to make me more happy than you do sad."
Thank you, Lindsey, for summing up my life in thirteen words, better than I have or ever could."

May 8th, 2007:
"I'm done with putting my whole heart into things. I'm done with nevermeasuring up. I'm done with always being second. I'm done with anyonethat doesn't call me first, or ever. I'm done with everything in mypast. I can't let myself constantly be upset over not being able toplease everyone, or make everyone happy. I have enough going on."

May10th, 2007:
"I gave you all I had to offer. and in return, I got shit. I was therefor you every second you needed me. and to think... the person who madeyou THAT miserable... is the same person you now spend your days with.I have never done anything to you. I have been nothing but be there foryou, and listened, and waited, and be reliable in every which way. andyou have done none of that for me. the moment that I started needingyou, you bailed. and didn't look back, either."

July 25th, 2007:
"dissapointing, but when my head's nuzzled into your chest, I don't wanna be anywhere eles. naive, but I still want you."

WOW. progress much? Seriously. I amaze myself.
...

< / sarcasm >

I need to stop. everything. this has been going on for way too long. I want to be wanted wayy too much. heyyy maybe that's why I'm not wanted! hah. Maybe if I stop looking or stop complaining about being second best... something'll change. or maybe it's 5:23am and I should've stopped thinking about 4 hours ago. Either way, I need to stop making the same mistakes and just stop looking and let reality just happen. maybe I could just learn to be happy by myself for once.

sexual frustration at it's finestttt.

2008-01-13T03:40:42Z

I suppose I do fall under the category of being unrealistic. After all, I'm either mad that you're not doing what I like, or I'm happy that you're doing what I like, which means I like you. So, when push comes to shove, it's a lose/lose. Therefore....if I just don't think about anything, then I should be fine. However, I think too much. Especially being locked up in this house all day & night. Stupid flu.

Everything's changed so much since this time last year. My, oh, my.

capcityy @ 2007-12-18T01:55:00

2007-12-18T06:55:17Z

big fat thumbs down.

I was on your porch, the smoke sank in to my skin.

2007-12-15T05:30:51Z

I'm terrified, obviously. Can you blame me?

My life is like a permanent hiccup. Hiccups are when there are too many things going on in your body that your body can't handle it all, or a hole in your asophogus. let's say I have both problems. only, my body is my life, and my asophogus is my heart. Nothing can fix me right now. No one can fix me right now. This is not about me. I just need unconditional people. And people who care about me as much as I care about them, and who won't leave, even if I push them away.

No one will surprise me unless you do.

Everything's blurry; too much sleep medicine.

capcityy @ 2007-11-16T02:36:00

2007-11-16T07:36:30Z

it's my birthday, and I'll cry if I fucking want to.

go ahead and laugh, it don't cost much.

2007-10-26T04:49:30Z

I'm glad I was just a stupid fucking test.

.

2007-10-12T05:43:57Z

sober.

likes: when my phone vibrates at 2am.

2007-10-09T06:23:34Z

"by the way,"

well, the talking led to touching, and you know what the touching leads to.

mystery's still there though.

truth: i liked it.
big truth: too much.

goodnight, little boy.

2007-10-05T04:50:18Z

"You're exactly right."

Of course I am. But, reality is reality. Logic used to go hand in hand with that, but somewhere along the line, the entire human existence decided that that didn't fit into their selfish world. Myself included.

We all need to start being easier on ourselves, regardless of anyone else's opinion.

It became more than I ever thought it would.

Everyone wants someone else to be happy. As nice as it would be, there will never be a time on earth where everyone is happy. Not even close. That's life. I think it's time to bring logic back into the picture. Piece by piece, and bit by bit.

babydoll, I recognize, you're a hideous thing inside.

2007-09-23T20:45:52Z

who even knows. I sure as hell don't.

I don't have priorities anymore I've realized.
ever since I finished school, and have been enjoying summer to the best of my ability with staying out til all hours every night, and never being home/sleeping, I lost my fuel. I love work, don't get me wrong, but it exhausts me and then I push myself without ever stopping.
because when I do stop, I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna lay here and do nothing. I need to learn to prioritize better. it's on my to do list. I need to start caring again.
I stopped caring about boys and drama, so much, that I think I just stopped caring. Period.
and a huge portion is because I'm out of school. so all of a sudden, I can be lazy and it not matter. just as long as I'm not lazy for work. it takes a toll on everyone else, and myself, but it's a habit I've fallen into.

I won't follow you around. I won't pursue this. you can do it if you feel like it, but it's probably not worth it. we just wanna have fun. pursuing anything, and succeeding never was any fun....

YOBITCH.

2007-09-17T06:07:32Z

this is not the way to make a crush go away.
I like making the same mistakes over & over.
honestly, I really do think I like it though.
I like a challenge. I like wanting what I can't have.
I like knowing I'll be 2nd best, or get dicked over.
I'm not even being sarcastic, btw.
I like it because in some way, shape or form,
it means I'm getting the least amount of hurt,
(because a. it won't last long, and b. I'm used to it.)
and I'm not the one doing the hurting.

I like fun too much.

she weighs a buck oh give, I guess she's alright if perfection's what you like.

2007-09-07T05:14:35Z

so I wasted my summer on you.
and now I waste my time on you.
as I was driving in the car with jimbo tonight, I realized my problem.
I don't like hurting people.
so I go for the assholes, because I know I'll get hurt befoe I hurt them.

oh, and, ps. that really shook me up BAD. I cried.
and my heart raced and hands shook for over an hour afterwards.
it was not funny or cool at all. I could throw up I'm so terrified.

oh, and, pss. you're PSYCHO. and I'm not a slut.
but I'd be threatened if I were you, too.

my friends are making me broke. I'm not being nice anymore.
not after tonight.

I have a crush on my 35 year old manager, and it's bad news bears.

capcityy @ 2007-08-08T00:26:00

2007-08-08T04:26:31Z

hopefully sooner than later.