so she's pregnant. sometimes I feel as if my life is one big fml post.

edit: oh shit I just went back and read the post before this..... how ironic. so very ironic. that both of these times I ran to the same old friend. who made me feel okay and happy again just by a few sentences. that, my friends, is what growing up is all about.

talking to him, even if it was just a half hour of texting, has seriously made me happy again. gives me a more realistic grasp on my life. like, coming up for a breath of fresh air. it's amazing how, through so little words, so much can be taken. and take it, I will. for me.

in the movies, I will go down as the woman that everyone likes, except for all of the star actresses. because, you see, they may have won, but I will always be there in the back of their minds.
"why was she so special to you?" "i don't want you talking to her." "i don't even understand why you would want her in your life."

well you see, I'm an elegant, exquisite, delicate, wonderful, unique, sincere, lovely, kindhearted, optimistically, selfless woman when it comes to matters of the heart. the heart is a delicate, but risky matter.. but I still try and do what I can, when I can. I never win, but I never lose either.

so the woman gets the man she wants, and I didn't. but I left an impression. an impression enough to have them fight over it for countless hours, weeks even. who is really winning? sure she got the man, but she also got the memory of what happened with me.
and now, my memory of that night is mine to remember. not hers. I'll never regret that night. it's what needed to happen so that I would move on. and I have. I'm at peace. but do you ever think she will be?

so, in theory there are no losers or winners. only change and understanding.

after a year and two months. 10/24/08. it's about goddamn time♥

11:11<3 it works.

so much has changed. everything has changed so many times in this past month, who even knows what tomorrow will hold. or if I'll even have a tomorrow.

nothing is permanent. nothing is guaranteed. the people who have hurt you, will hurt you again. the people who haven't hurt you, will eventually hurt you. you will hurt almost everyone you know if your lifetime. don't wait to fix it. before you know it, it will be too late. friendships will come and go.. so make the best of what you have now, you may never have that again.

think twice before you start complaining. ask yourself everything you have to lose. I guarantee there's someone out there wishing they had the life you have. we're young, maybe we have a long life ahead of us, maybe we don't.

be nice to everyone, don't waste your precious time on people who treat you wrong. worry about the people who have been there for you unconditionally. you can't save everyone and you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. you can only do so much.


8/29/08 -- RIP Brandon<3

"I'm gonna get hell for this, you know that? But I couldn't stop myself, I'm sorry."
"I won't lie, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I'm not going to stop liking you."
"If I could be with any girl from the past three years, it'd be you."


I hate my life. I really do.

I miss being friends with everyone, and not worrying about not "being allowed" at certain houses.
I miss being worry free about what was going on that night, because we'd all end up hanging out together anyways.
I miss last summer.
I miss sleepovers and cuddling almost every night.
I miss backyards and back porches.
I miss the beginning, innocent, fun stages. not the old friend zone.
I miss being spontaneous.
I miss movie nights, every night. and playing life.
I miss being with everyone in the same room and no one having problems.
I miss being the girl that always had plans, and back up plans.
I miss being intimidating.
I miss not being a fuck up.

I hate that everythings changed. it always changes. when can something ever be constant? seriously.

every little past frustration, take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations.
say what you need to say.
walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head. living out the same old moment, knowing you'd be better off instead. if you could only..
say what you need to say.
you'd better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never say what you need to say. even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken. even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open.
say what you need to say.

round four.

I'm probably among one of the most ignorant people you'll come across. not ignorant as in rude, but as in consciously oblivious. I ignore what people try to tell me, argue it to the death, yet I don't even believe it myself. At times I do, but it's hard to try and compare the good against the bad. what outweighs what? do I even care? I let so many things slide, and pretend to hold it against you, but only in my head. I'm battling myself, and for no reason.

It doesn't even make sense. I don't even make sense.



I get dissapointed or let down on a daily basis. and it's like it hardly phases me anymore. I just let everything go because I see what fighting does to people. I hate it. I'm not treated the way I want to be, and I wish I cared. I really don't care about much anymore. I only care about the things & people I shouldn't care about. and I'm the only one to blame. I pick the same situations and same types of people to surround myself with, as if I haven't already learned my lesson. I don't know what the hell my deal is, but it's getting annoying. I just keep getting hurt. it's gotta stop somewhere, but I feel like I don't know how to make it stop. I like lying to myself and getting fake, nonexistent attention. it'saproblem!


I don't care what anyone says, I miss you. you made me feel safe. why do you have to pop in and out? IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW. thanks, jeff dunham<3


I have way too many self image problems, and way too many mirrors. and way too many memories. and way too many reminders. and not enough katiemcl bathroom talks. I fucking hate this. I take everything seriously.


and I seriously know.. that you don't care about me.